What doesn’t kill you…

“…and twisted thoughts that spin, around my head. How quick the sun can drop away”


A travellers baggage can really make or break their trip. Too much or too little can be disastrous, as can lugging around unnecessary items. When I discovered that I’d damaged 3 of my most important things it sent me into a delightfully painful nosedive.

I’ve been carrying around a broken heart for the last 4 months, but it was the complete termination of contact that finally shredded the remaining pieces. I’ve been stuck in a horrendous feedback loop for the last few months, Groundhog Day but with no Ned to punch. I’ve asked myself the same questions around a billion times. I’ve answered them, had them answered by others, even her… yet they just don’t seem to sink in.

After committing and devoting my mind, body and soul to another person, and for that to then end via a text message… sucks!

But more than the romance that crumbled, much more painful and difficult to accept was the friendship that was lost. How could I screw up SO badly as to make a friend despise me so? I pride myself on my reliability, dependability and honesty with all my friends. I may go off the radar occasionally, but the bond remains.

Occasionally the notion that ‘maybe it wasn’t my fault, maybe it was hers’ drifted through my mind… but that seems like too easy a solution. No… much more destructive to smash myself over the head repeatedly with the same monotonous self hate.

As you may have gathered from the tone… this was not good for my endorphin count. Coupled with the fact that Argentinian women are, on the whole, average looking, incredibly unapproachable and not a patch on their Venezuelan sisters… It all conspired to crush my libido and general joygasmic levels.

So I’m feeling pretty miserable when the comedic genius that is Fate presented me with two more thunderous kicks to the nutsack… and Fate has wide feet!

The first came in the form of my old enemy… money. I’ve never had a good relationship with ‘Benjamin’… the lack of respect is reciprocal and venomous.

A miscalculation, an unaccounted bill from Costa Rica (seemingly the root of all life’s problems) and an additional payout all came together to make a mockery of my fragile budget. It didn’t take much soul searching to make a decision.

Option A: continue with my proposed time frame of returning in August 2014 but with a revised budget of about 30p per day

Option B: return early

Both options suck, but my experiences in Australia 10 years previous taught me a very harsh lesson. I was incredibly fortunate then to have an unbelievable family who supported me through a wee bit of debt. They would not be called upon again to bail out my stupidity.

Option B it is.

Endorphin count now rapidly dwindling down to single digits.

Oh well… I’ve still got my health right? No, no, no Fray!!! What tricksy little prank could Fate pull for maximum giggle factor? A sore arm? Nope. Earache? Lame! No, no, no… I KNOW! Let’s try crippling back pain!!! WHAMMY!!!

Now where could this have started? Hmmmm….. What country has taken great delight in bringing nothing but pain, misery and heartache?

Costaaaaaa Ricacacacacaca!!!!!

Whilst in isolation in the jungle, carrying planks of wood, I slipped and put my back out. It healed fairly quickly yet left a niggling little pain in the spine.

Subsequent pain and stiffness were attributed to a lack of adequate sleeping arrangements in the various airports of Latin America. It was only when the pain hit fever pitch in BA that I sought the services of a masseuse (much cheaper that a physio).

“Oh wow!” The words every guy wants to hear within seconds of removing his shirt! The following looks of shock and sympathy were not so well received. A massive muscular imbalance is pulling my pelvis out of sync, thus shortening one leg. My body, being the obliging soul it is, is happily compensating for this by twisting my spine. Cheers bod……. Idiot!

Yoga, physio stretches and creative use of a tennis ball have brought the pain down to manageable, and sometimes even minimal levels… Yet, it to… Sucks!!!

So for all these pains, aches and woes I sought relief and release… And what better (replace ‘better’ with ridiculous, stupid, idiotic etc) avenue of release than my good friend Fernet? (Fernet: The national drink of Argentina)

Long story short… alcohol is most definitely NOT the best solution for depression……. Who’d have thought?

These 3 incidents pummelled my psyche, and washed down with a glass of booze I felt my mind snapping. The endless loop of morose, wallowing questions,  morning until night… an inability to sit for any length of time before the stabbing pain crept up… Knowing that I would now have to skip so many sites and locations that I’d been dreaming of witnessing.

It’s like walking around in a bubble… a cloudy bubble. No matter how good the people around you are (and there are some great folk here), how much they make you laugh or distract you, the cloud is always there, and settles back down the second you have a moment alone… and with the cloud come the questions… the repetitive, endlessly tormenting questions! Being away from my family and friends during the festive period probably didn’t do too much good either, but that was inevitable on this journey.

Slowly… very slowly, I’m managing to dissipate the cloud. Having legendary friends and family definitely helps, but there’s only so much they can do. The battle in my mind isn’t being won any time soon… but I’m a warrior. I’ve studied Krav Maga.

I’ll kick its ass!

8 thoughts on “What doesn’t kill you…”

  1. Hello beautiful. I do believe my last words to you were “don’t get involved with any women over there, you’ll get your heart broken”. But what do I know? I know that being dumped by text is beneath contempt. I also know that you are totally fabulous and wonderful and anyone who doesn’t adore you is a fool. Stay strong, keep your heart and mind open to the people who are sending their love in your direction xxx

  2. By the way, does this start a new trend of you giving all blog entries the same names as Kelly Clarkson songs?

  3. But how are you REALLY feeling? 🙂

    Two thoughts…
    1. 2014 = new chapter, new adventures.
    2. Costa Rica can now expect economic disaster as I invite all the other members of the Fraythful to join me in boycotting their crappy country’s products….

    There you go, closure! (of sorts).


  4. your caring personality is obviously taking a battering just now. Just remember there are legions of people around the world who love and care for you. If you come home early you will always have the option to go back sometime in the future. Enjoy the time you have left there, and hopefully you can return with plenty of GOOD memories of South America. 🙂


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